How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection

Rejection is not something people seek out – in fact, it’s something many people avoid!  The problem is that if you’re in business, you are going to be rejected.  I think one of the main things here is to make peace with it and learn how to navigate rejection without it affecting you mentally or emotionally. 

Here, we are going to cover:

1. Where the fear of rejection originates from,
2. Why rejection hurts,
3. and how to overcome the fear of rejection.

The Origination of the Fear of Rejection

Rejection is one of our deepest human fears.  Sex and survival are important, but inclusion makes the trifecta of basic human needs.  On a mental or cognitive level, rejection can highlight unproven facts such as

• that we are unlovable,
• that we have little value or worth,
• or that we are destined to be alone. 

Ultimately, this leads to agitation, anxiousness, and/or depression.  As humans, we long to be accepted and wanted.  If we can work through our fear of rejection by trusting the healing process, we can go through the grief, feel humility, and move past it.

Why Rejection Hurts

Naturally, many people resist rejection.  Who wants to admit that they are unlovable, worthless, or destined to be alone?  But did you know that there are other reasons rejection hurts?

Rejection follows the neural pathways in the brain that physical pain follows.

  fMRI studies have shown that the same areas of the brain that are activated when we experience physical pain light up when we experience rejection.

Rejection may also have served as an important part of our evolutionary past.  Think about it:  back when we were tribal, being banished from your tribe could mean certain death.  Evolutionary psychologists assume the brain developed an early warning system to alert us when we were at risk for ostracism. 

In summary, rejection destabilizes our “need to belong.”  In other words, most humans have a fundamental need to belong to a group, and when we are rejected, this need creates a disconnect:  a feeling that adds to our emotional pain.

Signs You’re Afraid of Rejection

1. People-pleasing
2. Lack of boundaries or difficulty telling people “no”
3. Hiding your true thoughts or feelings from others
4. Staying in unhealthy relationships
5. Perfectionism
6. Codependency on others
7. Allowing or putting up with poor treatment from others
8. Working too hard or taking on too many responsibilities
9. Having a need to be liked and accepted by the majority of people around you.

How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection

There are many ways to over the fear of rejection. 

1. Accept the situation.

This includes noticing the feelings and emotions that are coming up and looking at them neutrally.  How do you do that?  Simple – by not making the negative emotions wrong in the first place.

• Practice positive self-talk.

Practicing affirmations, being easy on yourself, or writing down all the things you like about yourself are all ways to help practice positive self-talk.  As a result, your self-esteem and confidence may increase.

• Practice, practice, practice!

Another more aggressive way to start getting over the fear of rejection is to go out and get rejected. That’s right – actively seek it out! Go door-knocking, cold-calling, stand in the mall, and try to talk to everyone that walks by. Sure, it isn’t necessarily fun, but people seem to get over their fears pretty quickly!

I was in a class once and the instructor put us into groups, took our phones, wallets, keys, and told us to go out and make a few thousand dollars over the next couple of hours. It was probably the most nerve-wracking thing I’ve ever done in my life! We were terrified! Afterall, many people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of death. Regardless, we came up with a plan and executed it.

My group started off begging on the side of the road, made a few dollars, bought some chocolates and started selling the chocolates to passersby. Over the next few hours, we made a little mula. Did we make a few thousand? No, but we absolutely faced our fear of rejection, and that was the point of the whole exercise!

• Breathe/meditate.

Meditation and taking conscious breaths can help you stay in the moment while not letting your emotions define you.

The list actually can go on and on, but honestly, the one thing that helped free me from the fear of rejection, and even my fear of public speaking (which is also a form of fear of rejection), was something a mentor/teacher told me many years ago… but before we go there, here’s a little backstory.

Facing My Own Fear of Rejection

Many years ago, when my daughter was around 2 years old, her father and I had already split.  We were doing our best to work things out amicably, and part of that meant shared custody.  Every time her father would drop her off at my house, the first thing she would say was, “Mommy, I want a cookie.”

Not wanting a toddler tantrum minutes after receiving her, I would tell her, “Sure baby, but only after we have lunch.”

“But I want a cookie now,” she’d insist.

“Mia, you can have a cookie after lunch.”

Her little face would scrunch up and she’d then exclaim, “I love daddy because he always gives me cookies.” 

This would go on month after month.  She’d come to spend the week with me, and we’d go through the same song and dance.  Sometimes she’d say that she didn’t love me because I wouldn’t give her a cookie and that she only loved daddy, etc.

Now, as an adult, I understood these were the musings of a toddler.  She was like a little octopus, trying to find and feel her way into the bottle where her wildest dreams lie – in this case, a cookie.  But it still hurt.  What’s worse, I hated myself for feeling hurt!  She didn’t know any better.  It’s human nature to try to figure out how to get what we want, and she, like most toddlers, was using emotional manipulation to test my boundaries.

Months went on like this when finally, I went to sit in on a talk given by my mentor.  In a room filled with dozens of people, and me trying to squeeze in, unseen, in the back of the room, he called me out as I sat down.

I swear, it was like this dude could see straight into my soul. 

He asked me one question that I’ll never forget:

“What makes you so special?!  What makes you think you deserve love?”  I sat straight up while simultaneously a knot formed in my throat.  I was living in Malaysia at the time, and my American upbringing had subconscious undertones of “everyone is special and unique,” as well as, “I deserve to have what I want when I want it,” and let’s not forget, “A for EFFORT!”

His calling me out on the emotions I was feeling caught me by surprise and mortification.

He went on to say, “If you love, love rightly!  Love is NOT business!  It is NOT transactional!” He bellowed.

“If you love, it is a blessing!  Love rightly, and you are filled by simply giving!  But expecting something back?  That’s BUSINESS!  That is NOT love!”

I could feel my teeth clench, and I was now choking back tears, but that didn’t stop him from laying down the hammer.

“Why do you expect so much from your child?  It is YOUR job as a parent to love them.  Stop expecting them to love you back – if they do, it is a blessing!  Stop expecting them to love you!”

What. A. Lesson. 

I went home and I don’t think I left the bed except to eat or go to the bathroom for a couple of days. 

Mia came back after I was able to pull myself together.  She walked in the door, and we went through the same song and dance again.  She wanted a cookie.  I would give her one after lunch.  She only loves daddy because daddy gives her cookies.  Etc.  But something had shifted.  My response changed.

“That’s fine baby.  I’m glad you love daddy.  I want you to know that I love you whether or not you love me.”

She stopped, looked up at me, and after a moment with tears welling in her eyes, she wrapped her chubby little arms around my legs and said over again, “I love you mommy!  I love you mommy!”

The Rejection Lesson

If I had to sum up what I learned in that story, it is a quote from Nisargadatta Maharaj:

“Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.”

It’s funny how a healthy dose of humility countered my entitlement.  In summary, what I learned was nothing is personal.  If you’ve ever read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the second agreement is to not take anything personally.  I was taking my daughter’s desire to have a cookie in the morning and making it about me.  It had nothing to do with me.

People are going to be mean or rude.  Some may have what seems like a personal vendetta against you, but in the end, none of it has anything to do with you.  They are trying to get what they want!  They want a cookie for breakfast, damn it, and they are trying to get it the best way they know how!  Whether it’s via emotional manipulation, lying, fear-mongering, personal attacks or fill-in-the-blank.  None of it is personal, it has nothing to do with you personally.  And don’t expect so much out of them!  It may not be within their capacity to give it!

In the end, rejection is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to consume or cripple you.  Remember, you are everything and nothing all at once.  Love tells us we are everything, wisdom, that we are nothing.  It’s our job to find that fulcrum. 

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